Stages of illness

I’ve been sick the last couple of weeks. Normally I wouldn’t mention personal illness, but this bug seems to hang on forever, and it has taken me through all the stages of illness the old folks used to talk about. So, for those of you who may not have had a proper introduction to country medical terminology or may have forgotten, I thought it would be worthwhile to help you catch up your education.

The first day or so, I felt kinda punk, or puny it was sometimes called. To the trained eye, I looked a little peeked (pronounced as two syllables).

A few days later, I got worse. My eyes were reddened. Indeed, they were bad enough to be officially “pink-eye,” which, by the way, is much more serious than mere red eye. My throat was sore, and I had general body aches that made me feel “like I’d been run over by a truck.” I never understood why it had to be a truck, but medical terms aren’t always obvious to the layperson.

In other words, I was as sick as a dog. This stage of illness is usually accompanied by a strong desire to “lay around the house.” I resisted at first, remembering the medical fact that if you lay down you might not want to get back up again.

But things got even worse, meaning that I was soon as sick as a buzzard. That’s about as sick as a human being can get without having to go to the hospital. People who are this sick often have a serious condition, like spinal men-in-Jesus or infant-tigo.

After laying around the house for a day or so and not getting any better, I decided I’d better make sure it wasn’t one of those dread diseases instead of the “creeping crud” that I thought I had.

Just to be safe, I went to my doctor, who gave me some drops for my conjunctivitis–apparently they work on pink-eye, too. He also gave me a sulfa drug, which I knew was good because the vet once told Dad to put sulfur and kerosene on our dog’s mange.

Sulfa, I imagine, is sulfur from Georgia, where they lost the letter r sometime in the Carter administration.

Grandpa Nelson always said if he was sick he’d rather have a vet’s advice than a doctor’s. Vets are paid to get the animal well quick and cheap. Not like doctors, who make more money if you stay sick longer and take more medicine. My doctor must have heard that from his patients, because he always is careful to tell me any drug he prescribes is cheap and it works well.

I took a week’s worth of sulfa and the eye drops. My eyes cleared up, and I improved back to sick as a dog status. At times I was even better, just feeling a little punk.

Then yesterday, I took a turn for the worse. Not only was I sick as a buzzard again, but I developed a new symptom.

I was as drunk as a cooter.

For the uninitiated who might be wondering, I don’t have any idea why a cooter might be drunk. And I had not been imbibing, so I don’t know why I would have been drunk either. All I know is I was “crazy-headed” all day.

Today, I feel better so far. It being Thanksgiving, I have a full day ahead of me, dragging myself from one meal to the next, then to the TV for football.

I hope all that eating doesn’t put me back at buzzard status.

Regardless, may your Thanksgiving be peaceful and blessed.


One thought on “Stages of illness

  1. My father-in-law had another statement like these. I’ll leave it to you to decide if it’s a new stage or different terminology for an existing stage. He would say “I feel wormy and no-account.”

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